Understanding your feelings after rape or sexual violence

If you've experienced rape or sexual violence, we often hear that survivors feel:

• Anger - Feeling irritable or short-tempered
• Sadness - Feeling upset, grief or crying a lot
• Anxiety - Feeling panicked, worried or a sense that something’s wrong
• Fear - Being afraid of people, places, or being on your own
• Shame - Feeling dirty or ashamed of what’s happened
• Self-blame - Feeling you are to blame for what happened (remember, it is never your fault)
• Embarassment - Feeling humiliated, like you don’t want to tell anyone what happened
• Lonely - Feeling isolated or alone, like no one understands or you’re now different from who you used to be
• Numb - Feeling cold, detached or hollow, like you can’t feel anything
• Confusion - Not being sure about what you're feeling
• Overwhelmed - Being unable to process what you’re feeling because there’s too much
• Shut down - Like you can’t cope with your everyday life
• Physical symptoms - Pain in your stomach or tightness in your chest

Step-by-step guide to identifying your emotions

Go somewhere that you feel safe and comfortable, where you can sit uninterrupted for a few moments.

1. Start by taking some deep breaths, focusing on your inhale and exhale, trying to relax as much as possible. If you feel comfortable doing so, close your eyes.
   
2. Next, tune into your body and see what you are feeling physically. Try to explore what your body is doing without judgment - is your heart beating fast? Are your hands clenched? Things like these can sometimes be connected to big emotions like fear or anger. Try to name these feelings.
   
3. After this, turn your attention inwards and try to focus on your emotions. Try not to pass judgment on your emotions, just allow them to be. If you can, try to name your feelings. You might be feeling more than one at a time.
   
4. Finally, try to notice how strong your feelings are. If you think you’re feeling angry, how angry do you feel on a scale of one to 10? Which emotion is the strongest?
   
5. Afterwards, it can help to do something gentle or comforting to ground yourself. You might like to have a warm drink, snuggle up in a soft blanket, go outside for some fresh air or write down any feelings that came up.

Releasing control of your emotions and allowing yourself to experience them can be hard. If you feel overwhelmed, stop, remind yourself you are safe and do something comforting or relaxing.

Art

When we don’t have the words to describe how we feel, art can help. You don’t have to be good at drawing or even have picked up a pencil before. Using art for expression is about the process, not the finished product. If you’re feeling nervous, you could even throw away whatever you make.

Make collage art

Spend some time cutting out pictures from magazines and newspapers that reflect how you feel, then use glue to stick them onto paper or card to create an image that aligns with how you’re feeling.

Draw an emotion tree

Start drawing a tree that might show how you feel. What are the roots like – are they deep underground, or above the soil? Are there any broken branches? Is the tree full of green leaves, or is it bare? Is there fruit? Is it alone, or in a forest? What time of year is it?

Try drawing mandalas

Mandalas are circular patterns used in many cultures, and drawing them can be very soothing.

You don’t need to create anything perfect — just using colour and shape can be a gentle way to express how you feel. You can find free templates online, follow a step-by-step on YouTube, or simply draw your own circles and fill them in however feels right for you.

Journaling

Journals are a good way of expressing our feelings, concerns or goals. You don't have to write every day. Just write down when you feel like it, as little or as much as you like. You can use bullet points if you prefer. Experiment with a paper journal or you could type your journal on your computer. It’s completely up to you.

Mood tracker

Recording your mood can help you identify patterns and keep track of changes. You might like to try downloading an app on your phone, or go use a paper journal where you can colour in a square or circle on a grid with a colour that shows how you feel each day.

Write a pretend letter

Sometimes pretending we’re writing a letter to someone can help put us in touch with thoughts or feelings that we wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.

It can also be a way to say things you'd never say in person, aren't ready to say out loud, or haven't had the chance to say to anyone yet. Sometimes we feel we need to say something to someone, but we don't always need them to hear it.

You might write to your old or future self, a loved one, or you might not address it to anyone. You might choose to address it to your perpetrator.

Once it's written, you might put your letter away somewhere or destroy it.

Creative writing

Creative writing is a powerful way to express our emotions. You could try writing poetry, a short story or even a play. You could set aside some time each week, or however often you like, to write whatever comes to you.

Type or use a pen or pencil, delete or destroy it after, or keep it to look back at - it's up to you. Try taking one of our prompts to help you get started.