Why lots of people feel confused after rape
It's really common for people who have experienced rape to feel unsure or confused about what happened to them – and whether or not it 'counts' as rape.
There are lots of different reasons for this. It might be because:
- Calling it rape feels too frightening or overwhelming.
- The perpetrator (the person who carried it out) made them believe that they wanted it or that it wasn't wrong.
- The experience didn't match up with the version of rape that we often see in films or on TV.
- Myths about rape have made them feel that they were in some way to blame. Or that what happened to them wasn’t ‘real’ rape.
ℹ️ Looking for facts about rape? Visit our 'What is rape?' page where you'll find definitions of rape, statistics, FAQs and more.
Feeling overwhelmed, scared, upset or anxious?
Before scrolling any further, you might find it helpful to try the following grounding exercise:
- Start to focus on your breath.
- Try to inhale through your nose and out through your mouth.
- Place your hands on your belly.
- Watch as your hands move up and down as you breathe.
- Repeat this exercise whenever you feel like you need it.
⚠️ Please stop straight away if this exercise makes you feel more upset or uncomfortable.
Grounding exercises can help you to feel calmer, safer and more in control.
How to work out if what happened to you was rape
Rape happens when someone doesn't give their consent to have sex. So, to work out if what you experienced was rape, you might find it helpful to think about whether you gave your consent.
What is rape?
The legal definition of rape in England and Wales is when someone intentionally penetrates another person's vagina, anus or mouth with their penis, without that person's consent.
However, this definition is very limited and doesn't match the experiences of lots of people who would describe what happened to them as rape.
For example, penetration involving something other than a penis (such as fingers or an object) is called something else in English and Welsh law: assault by penetration.
If what happened to you doesn't fit the legal definition of rape, then that doesn't mean it wasn't as bad – and we are still here for you. You can find more information below.
What is consent and how do I know if I gave it?
The law in England and Wales says that someone consents to sex (or any other kind of sexual activity) if they agree to it by choice and have both the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
But what do 'agreeing by choice', 'freedom' and 'capacity' look like in practice? To answer this, it can be helpful to think about what they don't look like in practice.
Someone is not agreeing to sex by choice if they:
- Say 'no'.
- Are pressured, bullied, manipulated, tricked or scared into saying 'yes'.
- Seem unsure.
- Don't respond.
- Stay quiet.
- Move away.
Someone doesn’t have the freedom or capacity to agree to sex by choice if:
- They are asleep or unconscious.
- They are drunk, on drugs or have been spiked.
- They are a child.
- They have a mental health condition or learning disability that means they are unable to make a proper choice.
- The other person is using physical force against them.
Bearing all of this in mind, you might find it helpful to think about the following:
If you wanted to have sex and agreed to it.
If you felt like you had a real choice about having sex and a real say over the decision.
We are here for you
Thinking about all of this can feel really hard. But please know that you are not alone.
Whatever answers you do or don't come to, you can talk to us.
Unsure if the circumstances mean it wasn't 'real' rape?
Lots of people in our society make excuses for rape or claim that rape isn't rape in certain situations. But the only thing that counts when trying to working out if something was rape is whether or not there was consent.
This means that it's still rape if:
✔️ It was carried out by the victim or survivor's husband, partner or boyfriend.
✔️ It was carried out by someone who abused their position of power or trust (e.g. a teacher, doctor, carer or religious leader), someone who groomed the victim or survivor, or someone who was an adult when the victim or survivor was a child.
✔️ The victim or survivor doesn't have bruises, scratches or any other marks on their body.
✔️ The victim or survivor had previously consented to sex or other sexual activity.
✔️ The victim or survivor didn't try to run away, fight back or scream for help.
✔️ The victim or survivor doesn't seem upset afterwards or doesn't behave how someone else thinks they should. (It's important to remember that everyone's response to rape is different and completely valid).
Possible next steps if you've experienced rape
It is completely up to you to decide what to do next (if anything).
Every victim or survivor of rape is different and so everyone's healing journeys will look different too.
However, lots of people find it helpful to talk to someone about what happened to them. That might be a friend or family member you trust, or maybe a specialist working in this field – for example, a therapist at one of our Rape Crisis member centres or one of our 24/7 Support Line operators.
Whatever you decide to do next though, please know that you are not alone in this. We are here for you.
No matter what happened to you, we will always listen to you and believe you – and we will never, ever judge.
What you might want to do next
There's no right or wrong way to respond to rape – so whatever you do next is completely up to you. But you might find it helpful to have a look at the links below.
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Contact our 24/7 Support Line
Our specialist operators can offer you emotional support and information.
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Find your nearest Rape Crisis centre
Our member centres offer longer-term support, such as one-on-one counselling and group work.
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Learn about your options if it happened recently
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Learn about your options if it happened a while ago
